Hey! I’m still alive!

I’m still alive!! lol!

Wow soooo much has happened. Some major crises, some  positive, & LOTS of changes!

The BIGGEST change with the store is I moved! We got out of the dead mall and into a much busier area & larger store 6 mths ago. We are now 8,000sq ft!

That has been a rollar coaster on its own. Especially now with having 2 of m just my children about 90% of the time (accept when they are at school of course) and 1, 100% of the time. I can’t go into detail obviously as to why. Thomas, now 13yrs old just graduated from a partial hospital program after a year of treatment for Trauma & PTSD and is now going to Junior High School full time just last week! I’m so excited for him and the amazing changes he has made. He has blossomed so much- he’s learned social skills and has friends. He’s learning to speak up for himself and that his rights/desires matter no matter where he is. He even did cross country this school year and is currently in Drama Club, as well as a few different church groups. His fears, nightmares, etc are gone. I am so proud of his healing & growth. Now that he is 13 though, I am preparing for the hormonal mess that will come SOON. (Luckily I’ve survived it twice already and know what to expect.) 😉

My oldest, Michael, will be 22 this year and is currently enlisted, active duty & unfortunately we haven’t seen him in about a year. He gave me a necklace before he left a couple years ago and I have never taken it off since. It has become a symbol to strength/to remind me to stay strong.

Christopher is now 16 and in NJROTC, 2nd year. He is still the sweet, caring young man he has always been. Andrew is now 11, meaning I don’t have any LITTLES anymore! They are all growing up super fast- preteens and up!

I haven’t gotten a lot done to our house. But I have a few things in the works * hope to start some major things soon.

So the store. I am still working alone and just this month am starting to feel the work piling on as we are starting to get busier and busier. Hoping it keeps up! 8,000sq ft is A LOT to do alone, so I gotta keep growing in order to hire help. I will try to add some pictures on here if I can figure our how again. 😉

find the store on facebook and google under “Bee U Retail”

http://www.facebook.com/BeeURetail

 

New store picture in this post is a little older, but all I have on my computer right now. 😉

MOVING AGAIN!

It’s been a long while since I have been on here! I’d like to say I’m RICH now but I’ve reinvested all profit right back into the business. 😉

I still run 6500sq ft by myself with 3 kids in tow. (Michael is all grown up & in the Army now far far away.) Christopher is 15 now & in NJROTC. Thomas is doing much better. Andrew is about to see a special Dr due to “nodules” growing in his lymph nodes. Apparently this can just be “normal.” I’ve set my current store’s stock room up kinda like an apt-it has a twin bed, full size frig, microwave, coffee maker, tv/vcr, etc-to keep the kids entertained at work.

We have grown to the LARGEST Consignment store that sells ALL SIZES for everyone. I have awesome customers & consignors from as far away as 4hrs.

BUT alas, I am in the middle of a dead mall with no signs. I have hit a glass ceiling on our growth here. Its really bitter sweet-the kids have had a blast discovering all the hidden places inside the dead mall & really have a lot to do there.

But with the ancor stores planning on moving & the no signs part, its A LOT of leg work to get people to realize we are in there.

So its time to move on!

I’m moving my packed 6,500sq ft store to TRICOUNTY, where I will an ancor store @ 8,000sq ft. & reading old messages from 2yrs ago, its JUST as scary! Lol it makes the last move seem soooo tiny!

All my regular customers & consignors are super excited & tellme I am going to do so much better.

A– VERY busy area& high visibility

B–NO competition(upscale/higher rents keep other resale shops away)

C– still right off 275 (which has been a lucky accident for current location/easy access from all over the Tristate)

I started moving everything April 1st & I’d say Ive moved about 1/4…i have 1 month left to move the rest, be dully set up, & open. Gulp. Starting out I assume will be tough but once I get everything going I can finally hire help and take some breathing room.

It’s scary to put EVERYTHING on the line like this. To know that in 6mths, I will either be much better off OR have completely failed and lost everything. Very scary. But the cross road has come and there really wasn’t another viable option except this next leap.

My mission is still the same. To support my family & to help others do the same. To break down stereotypes and show others they aren’t what the world labels them.

 

update

Our pipes broke & flooded our basement 2 weeks ago. I used the money I had saved up for the store & to go see my oldest son in the army to fix them.
I have tried to think positive — at least I had the money at all. Today I woke up, after leaving all water running since & it being 75 in our house, to busted pipes & flooded basement AGAIN.

We fall through every crack for help. & between this kinda stuff EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. And people’s negative comments toward anyone who actually TRIES to be self sufficient vs living off others & the government is just too much.

Its amazing the hate mail I get because I’m NOT living in section 8 housing on welfare.

Then add the trolls who have nothing better to do than post negative comments on my business ads. People who know nothing about me yet stumbled across my ads & decide to post lies just for fun.

I’m out of money. I’ve tried & failed. My business is just FINALLY turning a “profit” but not enough to cover all this kinda stuff. I was SO.CLOSE.

To top it off my kids look me in the eye & tell me things like “I only feel safe with YOU mommy.” & counselors etc have taken steps on this. I can’t go into detail but its going to be VERY HARD to stand up & say I’m confident in keeping them “safe” tomorrow when I can’t do simple things like keep our pipes from busting.

I already feel like a FAILURE at everything & if you are one of the NEGATIVE PEOPLE who have nothing better to do then bash me and MY THOUGHTS & FEELINGS THAT I HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE know YOU are directly responsible for destroying those like me who have actually TRIED in life AND you are also directly responsible for DISCOURAGING OTHERS FROM TRYING!!!

It’s sad that there’s more people out to DESTROY in this world then those trying to blaze a new path & SUPPORT those who are trying.

I have seen that people read into more than what’s there because they have issues within THEIR SELF & make assumptions in their bashing that make no sense, about things not even stated.

I have NEVER PUT DOWN ANYONE. I’ve stated some things CONFUSE me. I’ve stated I AM THANKFUL in a way for NOT having things handed to me my whole life. But I have NEVER, NOT ONCE ATTACKED OR TORN APART ANYONE FOR THEIR LIFE CHOICES!

But in the end it doesn’t matter. There are ALWAYS people around to attack/bash every single thing you try to do.

I work all.the.time. Theres no breaks. Theres no down time. Theres no friends or significant others or family around who can are willing to stick around. Everything is constant multi-tasking, including every post I post, here, on my phone, while trying to act like “everythings gonna be fine” while getting kids ready for school. But its not. I have kept HOPE that if I just keep doing the right thing & trying harder every day, that things would get BETTER.

It’s getting harder & harder to hold on to that hope….

My Business: Where I started to Where I am TODAY. (in pictures)

Step #1 was online, so not really a “photo” of that. 😉

Step #2: November 2013. About 200sq ft.

Step #3:  June 2014. About 1300sq ft.

Step #4:  August 2014. 6,300+ sq ft. NOTE: These photos are a bit old. I have this store PACKED now. And still PLENTY of potential consignors waiting to sign up. The list is currently closed, as I am in the process of taking over some other local shops- moving each into MY boutique. I have been pretty backed up and am looking into hiring help. (A whole new thing to learn!) Customers come from an hour or more away because I carry ALL sizes. Today, a family stated they drove over 2 HOURS to get here. It is EXCITING to see how many families are helped via my store.

STEP #5:    ……………… WHAT IS NEXT FOR US?????

All I can say is I definitely want to continue in a way that not only supports my household, but also the community! I dream of the day I am financially large enough to start giving back to the area in even BIGGER ways. I am eagerly looking for how to get to that day!

…Is This My Next Leap of Faith??

I came into this year just KNOWING somehow that THIS year is MY YEAR. But IDK what exactly that means!
Is it business? relationships? my home? everything???

Well, as those who know me know, God has to forcibly SHOVE me outa my current situation a lot of times, in a very drastic way to get me to SEE the NEXT LEVEL He has for me! That time may just be RIGHT NOW!! I have been pushed closer to the edge of the leap a couple times and now I am VERY close to having to make the choice to leap or not.

I HATE  not knowing the outcome ahead of time! The higher the risk the harder the choices are. It is difficult to plan for those “what ifs” when they are GIANT. I keep my word and follow through. I do NOT like to make deals based on “if” something works out! I do NOT like owing anyone money for that same reason.

BUT those the the things that FORCE the type of person I am to FULFILL them!

For example my house. An investor and a bank took a giant risk pushing through an “as is” conventional mortgage for someone who couldn’t show HOW I was going to pay! Now we have a HUGE, 4,000 sq ft home in a great historic neighborhood, for less than a 1 bedroom apartment. I made that deal, and you better believe I am NEVER going to mess that up!

So, here I am at another possible cross road. I am talking another H U G E leap of faith! The biggest yet. I am STRONGER now. I am as determined as ever. And let’s face it. It is who I am! I am ALWAYS looking for the next step. The next glass ceiling. The next thing that the world says I CAN’T do!

Please join me in prayer over this current situation. Thank you.

NEW VENDOR!!!

NEW VENDOR!!

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This is definitely a MUST SEE!

Life Can Change In An Instant.

Last Wednesday started out like any other Wednesday morning. Christopher(14) looked just fine. He headed off to school just like any other day. I got the other 2 up and off to school an hour later, then settled in to bed, after being sick since Saturday evening, hoping to get some rest before heading back to work. Finally I was going to REST and give myself some time to heal.

That is when everything changed. The school called. Christopher had something major going on with his heart, couldn’t feel his legs, heart rate 168, purple, clammy, etc. He needed to go to the hospital IMMEDIATELY!  He had just been sitting in class when it happened. No history of heart issues.

After a day at the hospital, he is stable and doing ok. They rules out all the basics, like medications or panic attack etc.  This week will be full of countless heart tests. He isn’t allowed to do anything “active” so he has basically just sitting next to me. I am supposed to keep him “calm”….. yeah… a 14 year old hormonal teen. That is right there with trying to “calm” an active volcano… 😉

More info late when we find out what is going on…

Some Things Confuse Me…

So you probably know my story by now. Single mom, 4 boys, no family/help. Very very very little money… As in our monthly income is about what a person makes in a week.

Yet we have a 26+ room house. And a 6,300 sq ft store. I run our house ALONE. And the entire business ALONE. Along with the boys, I take care of their 4 cats, 2 dogs, 1 rabbit, & snail tank. I do mountains of laundry for both home & business, without a dryer, having to hang everything down to the last sock up to dry. (One of these days I will have the $$$ to get the electric put in for the dryer.)

I keep our lawn mowed, sidewalks shoveled, & try to keep presentable landscapes around the house.

Did I mention my boys &I have have attention AND sensory issues?? (& other special needs)

But I do it.
Then I come across a blog of a married woman of 3 who can’t remember to even pay their bills, to the point things get shut off– not because they don’t have money BUT ONLY because as a Stay at home mom, she “has too much” to do/handle. Um. Wow…

I just don’t get it.

And I have parents who come in to the store who are doing 99% for their daughter because, well, “she’s a single mom (of 1)& that is just too much to handle it all herself.”. WHAT?! I can’t help but wonder sometimes what its like to have a choice. BUT I also see the enabling. So, I’m kinda thankful in a way. Would I be this far if I had a fall back plan?? I don’t know…

HOUSE & STORE UPDATES

Well, I just feel the need to post as it keeps getting away from me.

THE HOUSE:

We had a snow, melt, refreeze, then rain Sunday, and when I got home from work, we had 2 roof leaks- one pouring in from a window into our main stair well and, when I went up to the 3rd floor to investigate, another teeny leak up there too.

I figured out the window leak was from water getting into the box gutters, & running down the siding and into the window. It has not happened since and it looks simple enough I can fix it myself…only issue is getting 3 stories up there to do it. I’m positive its one of those ‘only when it rains in a weird direction OR water freezes up in a weird direction’ kinda leaks. (2 different houses we lived in when I was married had the same, weird, 1 time and never again kinda leaks like this.)

So, it comes down to the fact I REALLLLY gotta repair and seal my box gutters and it’s on the list as soon as I find $$$. I plan to get some quotes closer to spring, just to see if its worth hiring someone vs me trying to do it all myself.

AND the leak on the 3rd floor- this is a leak that left me wondering how many people have these leaks and never know unless/until it gets worse… It has been raining all day and the carpet was barely damp. It is a VERY slow drip, that I only noticed because I happened to be standing directly under it when it dripped. I stuck a bucket under it but there wasn’t even anything to dump out the next day. This could be a freak 1 time thing too, but simple enough to fix, as that part of the roof is still bare studs and I should be able to fix it from the inside.  I think I can fix both myself for somewhere between $25- $50. So, all in all, nothing I can’t repair once I find a BIG ladder and a warm, dry day. 😉

STORE:

Well, I am hanging in there. Things are starting to come together but January is pretty slow. Money is insanely tight and will be over the next month or 2 I expect. I am working on more advertising, which costs more $$$, which is causing most of that “tightness.” But the FB page is up to 5,136 likes already which is pretty cool. And I have an appt this weekend for a possible GIANT consignment order- would basically be adding a store into my store- so hoping for the best for that. I have also had a handful of people say they plan to bring in donation, so we shall see.

SENSORY ISSUES, OVERLOADS, & why Yelling/Spanking Won’t Work…

Not all “temper tantrums” are what they seem. Sometimes they are something more. Something NO amount of “discipline” will curb. Yelling or spanking children with this disorder makes it MUCH WORSE.

As a mother with 3/4 of my kids AND myself who suffer from Sensory Integration, it is VERY real for us.

Sensory Issues are VERY common throughout many different Dxs, from ADHD, Autism, Anxiety, PTSD, Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, FMS, and many, many more. It affects people of all ages, but easier to spot in children, because as we age, we come up with our own unique coping skills.

What makes it even more interesting is that it affects each person differently. Rarely will you have 2 children with the same sensory needs.

For example, I have 1 child who needs TIGHT fitted clothing and another who need super loose fitted clothing. I, myself, can’t stand anything tight/fitted on, BUT the idea of going with any clothing on, is just as bad.

Also, I HATE to be touched. It actually hurts. Places like, for example, churches that tell you to get up and hug/shake hands with those around you–well, you might as well shove me into a torture chamber!!  I explain it as “super sensitive skin” to most, because things that touch my skin will also generally cause visual reaction as well.

I like things but away & not cluttered about or I get Visual Sensory Overload…(different from OCD or anxiety, but some people have both) but I have a son who has the exact opposite issue- he will dump out his toys and ROLL in them for the sensory input.  It “hurts” me just to watch this!! lol (picture rolling in a giant tub of LEGOS!)

Listen to the person. They know themselves and their overload. If they can tell you what they need to calm down, pay attention. Individual people have individual strategies. If their attempt to calm down involves behavior that looks bizarre, such as rocking or flapping hands, don’t interfere. Sometimes well-meaning people, trying to help a person with autism or sensory processing disorder fit in, will accidentally discourage a useful coping mechanism.

• If you see them using a harmful coping mechanism, such as head-banging or biting their arms, alert an authority figure such as a caretaker, therapist, or adult. They may lash out if you try to grab them, and either one of you could get hurt. After the overload, a specialist can help them find a better coping mechanism.

My Thomas is still in the process of learning SAFE means of coping. There is nothing worse than watching your child harm him self, by biting/sucking on his skin so hard he is leaving WELTS on his arms. Or when they are much bigger and stronger than you are and they lash out, leaving you so many scratches and bruises that it look like you were attacked by the world’s biggest alley cat. And it is so FRUSTRATING when adults try to put him down for having OR actually try taking away his BLANKET. Yes, he is nearly 11, but he NEEDS that thing to stop overload! Yes he sucks on his fingers, BUT it’s either the fingers OR his arms being covered with so many welts that they PURPLE. (His dentist even understands this.)  As he ages, he now knows if it’s a “good day” or “bad day.”  Some days he can make it nearly all day with out either.

My Christopher’s coping is much more formed. Unless you KNOW what stimming looks like, people don’t really notice. He is a “drummer” and he does this odd thing with his hands that’s a blend between flapping and snapping– I can’t mimic it no matter how hard I try. 😉 No one notices his Under Armor type clothing under his regular clothing. Not like it was when he was younger and in a “bear hug vest.” And weather permitting, you will find him up in the top of a tree, nice and secluded, with a book. (The kid can literally climb ANYTHING!!  It’s actually pretty amazing lol.)

Does anyone in your household have Sensory Issues? What types of coping measures have you discovered?

MORE INFO:  Reduce-Sensory-Overload

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Michael has Shipped!

Well, I closed the store the weekend before Christmas through this weekend– we all needed a break & I had to catch up on house stuff.

One BIG reason is Michael is now gone. He shipped out yesterday.
I have pictures, but since I’m not at work, I’m posting from my phone & it wont let me add the photos!!

He will be gone for about 6mths& then at that time, I will drive 10+he’s to GA to see him at Ft Benning before the army sends him to his next destination.

As soon as I get to a computer, I will post all the photos. UPDATED!! PHOTOS BELOW!! 🙂

Our Christmas Tree…

Our Christmas tree. Lights don’t work and its lop sided BUT we are thankful to have a tree at all.

One day, we will look back on this and remember how far we have come…

STILL ALIVE

I haven’t been able to post much anymore as I’ve been super busy…

The store is slowly growing, but I just don’t see it as much as others. Its like when people who haven’t seen your child in a little while, say they have grown.

Being Black Friday & Small Business Saturday, we have a lot of people finding the store for the 1st time too.  I have some ideas in mind to help but haven’t acted on anything new yet.

Everything else is about the same… except I am even more tired.

Store UPDATE

Well… there is just so much that goes into all this.

AUGUST was our 1st month in the bigger store, & sales nearly doubled! It was exciting, & I thought proof the bigger store was a good move.

Then SEPTEMBER came… still higher than the smaller store BUT lower than August by about $200…

OCTOBER was back up, but not as high as that August, even though we had our highest sales day to date this month. Sales were about $100 more than September.

And now we are on to November. I have ads on Facebook and Craigs List. I am still trying to figure out how else I can get my name out…with out having any $$$.

Nothing really to shout about yet, but I am trying…

SO PROUD OF MY AWESOME SON!

THIS IS MY SON. YES, THE ONE FROM MY “14 & PREGNANT” BLOG POST IN OUR BACK STORY IN THE TOOL BAR.

THE ONE I FOUGHT SO HARD FOR & GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR.

I ALWAYS ***KNEW*** GOD WANTED HIM HERE FOR A REASON.

ACTIVE DUTY, AIRBORNE INFANTRY.

SUPPORT OF TROOPS!

Send your prayers of safety please!

Interviews

Interviewing people is weird. I’m getting resumes from people with way more retail experience than I have. …I haven’t figured out yet if that is good or bad.

I have to make sure I stay strong & confident, & not let someone try to come in & take over. I’m a little concerned about this, as my past is filled with examples of my failures with this.

But I feel stronger now.

I have been interviewing potential tenants & finally think I found one yesterday. He was ready to sign, but I didn’t bring the lease (after many showings that didn’t work out.) He is single retired veteran, who now spends his spare time working for Habitat for Humanity. That’s right- he fixes houses for fun. I’m excited, but trying not to be yet in case something falls through.

AND THEN THERE’S THE STORE. I have my very 1st interview today! I have no idea what I am doing, & just pray it doesn’t show lol. I’m looking to hire help as a 1099, as needed, for odd jobs around the store. I feel this is better starting out as I have no idea how I will afford it yet, & also figure if they don’t work out, it’s a matter of just not calling them the next time, instead of having to fire them & deal with a mess. Also, each time they come work will be like an interview to prove if I can trust leaving them to run the store down the road, as I’d like to find someone to open my store on Fridays.

If all goes well, I may be able to hire someone in time for this weekend – when we have our Halloween event & I haven’t gotten even *1* volunteer set up to help so far. (& 30 families signed up+ who knows how many coming who didn’t sign up.)

I could go on & on about my failed attempts to find people for both of these situations, but its not worth it. Once I find good fits, it won’t matter.

The New Window Phone. DON’T DO IT.

I’d have a lot more posts on here if it weren’t for spending hours typing up a post with my windows phone app, only for it to VANISH.  The new windows phone stinks. Yeah, the camera is better, BUT I can only upload *1* photo at a time, when it decides to upload at all, onto the Facebook page.

It does NOT support our credit card company, SQUARE, because windows wants you to use THEIR, very very expensive register app. Thankfully, I kept my old phone and use the wifi at the store. Their’s is like $30/mth PLUS 30c per transaction PLUS a % of sales. That is just  crazy. Square has no monthly fees and doesn’t charge for the readers, stickers, etc; there are no per transaction fees- just a smaller % of total fee.

Also, the Facebook Manager App that allows you to access your business pages is extremely limited. What is FREE/INCLUDED on my old phone, costs $$$ on the windows version.

You can not copy and paste like you can on an any android! That means if you type out a big message, & windows decides it doesn’t feel like sending at the moment, you can not copy it and try again. It is just GONE and you have to start over.

There were a few games I played on my Android phone for down time, when waiting for appts etc. But, they are NOT supported on the WINDOW PHONE. Some of them are attached to Facebook. So that is now gone too.

I could go on and on but I’m sure you get the point. It just isn’t living up to the HYPE when you can’t get anything you need or want to either work right OR for free like they are on other phones.

R.U.N.

Gloomy Day

Today is rainy & gloomy, and that’s how I feel right now too. It’s already 11am & I haven’t accomplished anything past getting the kids up, ready, & off the school.

I got a call that I may have an electric furnace coming. I’m going to clean up my 13yr old’s room, & prep the area, but not getting excited until everything is official. As for other house stuff, I did get more flooring layer in the laundry room& paint scrapped as well since the last post about that. But as for today, I’m trying to force myself up still.

Part of me says sitting here doing nothing is fine, because I haven’t stopped working in days again, pushing myself all week. The other part knows how much (never ending) work needs to be done! The store is taking a lot out of me as well, & I’m going to need help soon, but still not making enough money to hire help…

STORE UPDATE

Theses photos are are actually a few weeks old now. Had someone in that took the panoramic pics for me.  There is much more the the store now…

HOUSE UPDATE

I have been super busy and I got a new phone- so haven’t been able to post. During the this time, I started working on replacing the kitchen floor and laundry room floor. It renews a my faith that this house will be an AWESOME mansion again gone day!

As a lot of times it still feels so torn up and overwhelming. Each time I get a change and the energy to work on a house project it renew that faith and make me feels a lot better.

KITCHEN BEFORE– old, torn up and depressingly UGLY:

And $50 (and a few hrs of labor) later:

And that is my, Drama King from birth, 13 1/2yr old Christopher. 😉  The whole floor will cost about $75.

& I did not take a before of the LAUNDRY ROOM because it just just nasty- you can find photos of how it looked way back in my posts from when I bought the house. Before we moved in I spent DAYS scraping up several layers of horribly nasty peel & stick tiles, down to an old nasty, stained up linoleum floor which I left til now. No matter how much I cleaned it, the stains were saturated through (in both rooms) and it still looks nasty dirty. I have been embarrassed to let people come over etc because of it.

This photo shows just 1/2 of the laundry room finished- 44sq ft shown. The entire room will cost about $40 for the approx 130 sq ft space. This rooms WAS “apt 2” kitchen & may be listed as such in old posts. I now refer to it as “the laundry room” because is the end goal for this 2nd floor room. I still need Plumbing and electric repaired/ and installed for my washer and dryer, which will cost about $300 (lowest quote to date). To us, that is just way too much to come up with all at once and I have been working on it over the last year.

Both floors total at least 312 sq ft and it was a total of about $126, as the tiles were on sale at Menards. It is not anything fancy BUT make a HUGE difference in the feel of the rooms.

HISTORY FACTS for those New to My blog:

I bought our house off the foreclosure list last year. It has sat on the list for so long that that city had already pulled the utilities from the home. It is a huge undertaking BUT it is in a good neighborhood and keeps a roof over our heads. At the time, I had a little money stashed but monthly our income was so little that we couldn’t even afford a 1 bedroom apt. So I took this giant leap of faith, took the little money I had saved, and invested in a house instead of just a couple more months of renting, to which, we would have ran out of money and hit an end.

This historic home is 3 stories, has over 2 dozen rooms (I always lose count!), including 7 bedrooms, 4 full bathrooms, etc. It also has a full basement.  It was turned into a 4 family apt building so I am not sure the original layout.  The foundation and roof on the MAIN house are good, but the rest needs a lot of work… A LOT. Once the house is rehabbed, it will be worth at least 10X the purchase value, per the city. It may end up costing me MORE than the value to fix it by the end, BUT keep in mind we are also living here and elsewhere would be just dumping 3X as money (that I don’t have) away on a rental anyway. At least here it costs us less monthly and will belong to us when finished.

We need a lot of plumbing, electric, roofing, windows, etc done still and I am just waiting patiently in faith for the finances and help. I have tried a Go Fund Me accnt (link on top bar), etc but nothing has panned out. We have also checked all the government funded programs and we do not qualify for any of those either.

EDITED TO ADD LINK TO ORIGINAL LAUNDRY ROOM PHOTOS:

Unit 2 “kitchen”

Todays ramblings

Well there is always a crazy amount to do.
September sales are down, store rent and house mortgage is due in October, & there’s credit cards to pay off.
The house still needs nearly as much work as it did a year ago. Winter is fast approaching, is supposed to be worse, & we barely made it through last year.
I need LOTS of insulation & plastic sheeting before winter!
My van is making scary noises & there’s no money to fix/replace it. I can’t even afford an oil change.
My phone (which is a major tool for my business) is all sorts of messed up and must be replaced by the 21st according to my cell provider.  That is more I dont have, not mention my plan price will go up because they were “bought by AT&T so the old towers are being shut down-causing the cell problems.”
I needed to LOWER my bill not be required to RAISE it. 😦

So I am looking at my options. I need to sit down and come up with new totals of all owed. And somehow how cut our costs even more.

I already do not use heat/air/lights when the kids aren’t home. I walk around in the dark freezing. I am going to take all my sewing equipment to the mall to use their utilities instead of ours here too soon. (Right now Im just not sewing so I dont use up utilities.)

We already do not have any “extras” at all– no cable, internet, etc. Although I do have internet on my phone to access my business page from home so I can reply to customers(& post these blog posts). THAT will most likely have to be completely DROPPED. $10 is $10. & I plan to go with my cheapest possible options.

And I am looking into renting out rooms again(my seeing & fabric rooms). It hasnt worked out before because people want a house that is totally remodeled AND has stuff like wifi & laundry if they have to pay rent-even if as little as $200/mth. Any less & I cant even cover their added utilities! (not that $200 will in the winter!) And what would I do if they move in & refuse to pay?? It could end up costing me MORE money.

So. Its going to take a lot of sit down & mapping.

Big Day For Midnight

So our youngest kitten, Midnight, is just over 5mths & heading to get fixed this morning. Poor little guy has no clue.

(Midnight was a gift left by LM just before her passing-LM was our rescue from last year. The scar tissue left from whatever injuries she had when we found her finally was just too much. She never was even able to meow.)

The plan was to get Midnight fixed & then Michael was supposed to take him. BUT now that Michael joined the army, well, I guess Midnight is staying here… at least for now. And being a BOY cat means getting him fixed ASAP before he starts spraying.

I had tried not getting attached as I didn’t plan on keeping him. But when it was time for them to take him, it was HARD. The poor baby had no idea what was about to happen. Hopefully he will just be happy to see me tomorrow & not be too angry. 😉  On the positive side, the guy only charged me $20. Im not sure why or if I pay the rest tomorrow or what. But hey, I wasn’t about to argue.

EVERY black cat there was named Midnight. I guess I could have been a little more creative with his name lol.

Your Name Here(underwear)

So I’ve heard over the years stories of “putting your name in your underwear.” Usually in jokes etc.

But today, doing laundry for 3 boys that are about the same size, I understand this on a whole new level!!

I’m sitting here sorting all sorts of types of clothing & have no clue who 1/2 of it belongs to!  Up til now, simply assigning each boy a certain color hanger & matching laundry basket was enough. And awhile ago I pitched ALL the socks & bought dozens of the SAME type/style of sock to ease the mismatch sock problem. But now they are in overlapping sizes & even I don’t know who’s stuff is whos!

They each have their own style so certain ‘outer item’ things are easy. But I now fully understand the REAL reason for ‘labeling your underwear’… & everything else– not because it could get lost, but because who wants to wear their brothers’ boxers??!! 😉

So that’s it!! Where’s a marker??!!

Hello! (still kicking)

Well my world is a lonely place-constantly giving with no way to refill myself. I hold out hope that will change some day- that is what keeps me going.

Updates:
My oldest son (19) has decided to enlist in the army. He apparently got very high on his military test  & has his pick of any active duty path he wants. Most likely whatever he choses be be highly classified & I wont have any idea where he is etc. Its scary.

I was offered a commercial shoot, advertising space in 1-2 movies, etc.   I was also offered an advertising spot for a county blog & facebook page.

The latter would cost $10 MORE, but both are reasonable.  The problem is I need A LOT of money to even be prepared to do either. I have no professional signage anywhere! At my front gate, around the mall, outside of the mall, or in my store such as section signs. I can’t afford a printer/ink so all the signs I do have I hand wrote.  I HAD banners outside the mall but someone stole them, clips & all.

I still need to come up with the $$$ for painting,  decor, & shelving. & A lot of other more seriously needed  things.

THIS is the turning point. That fine line between success & utter failure. If I had the above things, itd make a giant difference! But how??!! I tried applying for a loan but can’t prove enough income yet. So, to make it til now, I used credit cards. Now I owe arount $2,000.

BUT my 80+ clothing racks are paid off. I’ve put $$$ into buying stock for the store.

And that’s just the store.

I of course still have this house to remodel. I have some pretty serious issues here too, each carrying a hefty price tag. And Im scared of winter coming, as I hear this winter will be worse than last winter-which we barely survived. We are not eligible for ANY government funded programs at all due to the type of mortgage I have.

And overall I think the BIGGEST Issue is that Im doing all this ALONE. All the store stuff. All the house stuff. The housework, dr appts, etc. My health is being effected & I’m gaining a lot of weight. And I’m just sooo tired. No quality, educated man wants to take all this on. & I am NOT going to  settle for someone less now, that I will regret later.  I already lived that life for 13yrs! Never again!!

I just keep pushing myself one step at a time. I have no idea how this will all work or where I will get the money.

I dont know if I should go buy some poster board & hand write some signs & stick them out by the street NOW- even though it isnt very professional, or just wait & keep trying like I am now until I can afford fancy ones.

Well…. that is just some of the plates Im spinning right now. I gotta get back to laundry!

Oh & if you stumble across this, come find my new store on facebook!

http://www.facebook.com/BeeURetail

~Clothing Your Whole Hive For LESS!!~

N2 Our Final AUG Weekend

Well, moving from the 1,300sq ft store to the 6,300 sq ft store, was the best move.  I am still running negative, but sales have doubled since the move. Of course, because I am still negative, I need to figure out a way to BOOST views, customers, etc ASAP!!

I already use Facebook, twitter, many others, and even craigs list. I have no money at all for any other advertising. And I am running out of ideas. It will still be awhile before news/newspapers etc are interested in my story.

I also need more racks (& help) etc. But there is no $$$ for any of it. So I am still just hopping around the store on my 1 good leg, over heating, but just keep going.

I am hoping this month will begin our turn around.

 

 

I get a kick out of people who think running your own business is easier than working for someone else. I knew how much work Id have to put in before hand because I took classes etc & started online, and gradually stepped up.

If it were easy EVERY one would not do it but succeed! I was already dealing with a full schedule but now am having to work myself so hard for no pay that my body is literally falling apart. It is a race to see which will happen 1st, my success or my final life altering break.

When I started this just a few short months ago, I was healthy & on zero pills. Now I’m on over a 1/2 dozen- for my heart, blood levels, etc. & of course the damage to my right knee, which is causing pain everywhere else due the rest of my body trying to compensate. I also put on stress weight-not from eating;  Im not eating much at all.

The store is coming together. Sales have doubled & are climbing but not as fast as they need to. I can’t even afford AC. 
Thats a race too– if things aren’t high enough before the weather  turns, I won’t have any way to be our personal heat bill. We barely made it through last year & lost 1/2 our plumbing to freezing pipes that I still cant afford to fix.

Also I wont even go into how many other important things I havent gotten to because there is just no.more.time. 

Yesterday, the boys chipped in-my 8yr old changed my sheets&pillow cases, & my 10yr old cut the grass with rotary cutter. (I haven’t checked the grass yet-but it couldnt have been worse than the overgrown mess that was out there.)
While I worked on laundry, cat baths, vacuuming, etc.

Today is another “off day.” We only have 1 appt this afternoon & the rest of the day will be filled with more house work. My kids are in school about 5 hrs today, & then have church tonight. I have to get stuff caught up but Im so exhausted it is affecting everything.

So Much Pain.

I am in so much pain. My left knee is starting to hurt the same way this right one started. And back is cramping up. But the pain in my right knee is insane!! I had to take the brace off in order to drive to my son’s unmissable appt an hour away. (& I have to do it again next week!). i can’t take the stupid Rxs they gave me bc AFTER I pick them up Walgreens decides to tell me I cant drive til 24hrs after i take the pill!!
I HAVE TO DRIVE EVERY DAY!! If its not the kids appts, its work! That also means I have choice but to take the brace off to drive- even with the torn meniscous&stress fractures!
I. Have. NO ONE!! Its beating down on me pretty hard right now. There is not one person I can call for help! Not.even.one.  And I obviously have no money so hiring anyone is not an option.
But gee. Dead beat getto mom after another-getting handed everything for nothing more than pouting for the billionth time! “We dont have furniture so heres my Gofund me accnt”– next day $1000s if freaking dollars for a mom with s dozen kids by all different dads who refuses to work– & has lost 1/2 for neglect! Guess what. We dont have furniture either. Im literally falling apart bc Im working so hard for my kids, but NO ONE CARES.

Im literally crawling around to still take care of my kids & all my other responsibilities. But I’m alone. Like Ive always been. Right now I have no idea how I’ll get through the pain to get the kids up, dressed, off to school, & to/through work. I’m so tired. Everything hurts so bad. So many years of this crap. Im invisible.
Im soooo hungry but have no strength left to get down stairs& across the house again- It took all I had earlier for the kids.
Im tired but cant sleep. The more I try to lay here, the worse the pain gets.
Take the brace off at night? Theres.no.freaking.way. Theres no surviving THAT pain.
Keep icing it? HOW??!! I dont keep ice in my room& cant get 5mins to sit down when the kids are up. If I could make it to the kitchen, I would EAT.  ….I have to go grocery shopping ASAP too…. even if I survive the store, how am I supposed to get everything from the van, up 2 sets of stairs& inside??!!

I just dont understand…

I Finally Broke.

Well I finally broke. I have limping around for a week or 2 with knee pain that was greating worse. Then my knee popped& swelled.
Apparently I limped myself through my kids’ open houses, including having to park blocks away & hike to/from, with a torn meniscous, and possible stress fractures in my right knee.
I have an hour drive each way for an extremely important appt at Childrens Hospital for my son that I cant miss-it can’t be rescheduled-we already waited a year for it,  but I can’t bend my right leg.  I of course have no family etc to help, so this will be interesting. 😦

So, I will be hobbling around some how, still doing everything I have to by myself somehow. This is just another obstacle in my path…

1st Weekend In Bigger Store

I still am considering this our “soft opening”– still working out kinks& have to change hours in 2 weeks when school starts back. Still have pricing, stocking, etc to do.

But hey, I built a 6300+sq ft store. By myself. I just look around & can’t tell you how. …& I can’t explain how this all fit in my HOUSE! LOL!

Anyway, this weekend had its curve balls, but sales were great. If this keeps up, then this was definitely the right move.

I ran all my #s (& my personal finances show it), this was definitely an investment! I litterally even had to roll every coin in our change jar. The guilt from that is tremedous as it was supposed to be for a vacation & even my kids put their change in it. 😦

June was very negative, July a little less, so I’m just praying it keeps getting better- which it looks like it will. But right now, I have no money… actually Im negative money. I can’t afford any of the stuff I really need for the business, & am struggling to find funds to even pay my home utility bill. And the stress has me broken out in hives, I’ve gained about 20lbs, & my heart etc are suffering to the point of medications & possible surgeries.

Most can’t live like this, & I see why so many fail. I am just holding my breathe, waiting to surface. I will NOT let this fail!

1/2 of store(it cant all fit in 1 pic anymore)

To Do List

My whole body hurts so much I can barely move. I have to clear out the flea market space today & meet at mall for more racks & hangers. Money is beyond tight- have to figure out which top priorities are most important. They are all URGENT/required by Friday.

I of course also have to build a 6300 sq ft store by Thursday night- with 3 kids underfoot.

I am hitting that point where my body is flat out refusing to work. Ugh. Gota figure out how to get going…

Goodbye Mall store #1!!

This Mornings Thoughts

Rethinking my Dr’s words yesterday. They didnt once preach I’m doing too much etc-guess they gave up? LOL! Maybe its because although my chest pain and other symptoms are much worse, my actual heart has stayed basically the same. & I was able to tell 1/2 the staff about my business. I NEED a printer so I can have cards&flyers to pass out! Im missing so many opportunities!

Anyway, the 3 younger boys are gone this weekend. My oldest just got braces and is hurting pretty bad-the one who rarely feels any pain. Im talkn’ shatters his leg in football yet didn’t flinch-he could use some prayer.

Yesterday was soooo slow-weird. I wonder if it was coincidence or because I had to close in the middle of the day? My FB likes did JUMP a lot over night though-other than bumping some ads, I have no idea what caused the fast jump. I think people are sharing my page for me, which is awesome. I wish FB would tell me.

I’m still taking one step at a time but its really hard. Yesterday I found out  “someone” stole my $50 banner at the entrance where another consignment place will be opening in the mall for like a week very soon. They require their consigners to buy hangers, price tags, print & affix their own barcodes, do all the prep work, AND pay a sign up fee etc, & after all that, IF you volunteer too, you get the same % I give MY consigners except I do all the work.  Also, a group from their store came in not too long ago & well, my cheerful hello, wasn’t very nice as they walked around checking my prices& whispering to each other.  Hmmmm wonder where my banner went??!!!  I do not have any $$$ to replace my banner. Or for the advertising/signage at all.

BUT I’m going to keep going. One step at a time. What else can I do….

Bullet Dodged(for now)

I just got back from my specialist & can put off my heart surgery (for now) in lue of pills. (Yeah. more blankety blankety pills :-(… )

I’m under an etreme level of stress, but my color is better etc apparently. I stated things should calm down here soon after I get everything set up & going in the new store-which needs to be done by Friday. I hope Im right. 😉

Im headed to work on more of it between customers now.

Wednesday

Well, I put in another 4hrs this morning & 2hrs this evening, sorting & hanging clothes. I got 2 more over flowing carts of hangers & went through nearly all the pants ones already. This last batch I hung was around 150 items& I really didn’t make a dent.  Ugh.

I am going to focus on hand cutting, hand writing, & tagging from here on out. Only a little over a week left to be fully moved & open in the new store. I have no money at all, other than the change in the register. I am trying to stay calm & have faith. I am EXHAUSTED-Im somewhere over 60hrs so far for the week-headed home now to bathe while my kids are at church & aren’t home to cry til I get out. 😛

More Progress

ONE.STEP.AT.A.TIME.NO MATTER.HOW.SMALL.

This whole thing is in God’s hands & I am in God’s will, which is good….because I have NO IDEA what I’m doing lol.

I paid off the 1st set of racks today, bringing me back down to $0.  I owe another $760 still on the 2nd set by next month. AND I still need another dozen racks & shelving etc, by next week. Not to mention paperwork fees, new banners, & much more. Grand opening is supposed to be 8/1, but I haven’t announced it yet, because I have no idea how it will happen-may just be a regular sales weekend like usual. I’m learning to be patient and not stress and see what God has planned.

Meanwhile, I have 19 new racks set up in the new space& have started sorting and hanging kids clothing.  Very little tagged yet though. I also have a total 4 trees and 2 plants so far for my unique decor idea– need A LOT more.  But I’m just taking small steps every day.

I go to the doctor Friday, right in the middle the my work day(ugh) & will most likely schedule my blankety blank in patient heart surgery at that time. I’m hoping for a Monday, so I can get my weekend work in, and will have a day or 2 to recover once I get out before that Friday of work again….. maybe I can postpone til Sept so I can be open 7 days per week in August- back to school shopping time.

My symptoms are definitely worse over the past month, so I guess it depends on what the dr says Friday…

Ok, calling it a night! 6am comes early!

Saturday/& Summary of Me

Slow & steady progress into the larger store. I got 3 more boxes of clothing in as ‘loose consignment’. It’s a term I created for items I get to choose the sales price on- generally items from friends who aren’t really worried about how much they make off the items. So, that jumped to the top of the priority list in my hanging/tagging. It is A LOT more work than it seems! I litterally have 1,000s of items that need hung & tagged by Aug 1st- there are at least 100 items in each size from preemie to Adult plus size & also themed racks like ‘swim wear’ & ‘dance/gymnastics’. & That’s just one urgent job of several.

For those who haven’t had time to read our back story- I’m a single mother of 4 & no other family etc helping me with all I do. My kids come to work with me most of the time, so they are underfoot while I handle all the business dealings.  I also purchased a 4,000sq ft historic home off the forclosure list last year & am single handedly fixing it myself. I had a child via rape at 14 & was disowned because I refused abortion. So we bounced around homeless shelters etc & being too young to even get a job, survived mainly by picking up change off downtown Cincinnati streets.
Even though it was a 45min bus ride each way, I still finished highschool, got my business voc degree, & bought my 1st house by 19-never touching welfare. Then I got dumb & spent 10+yrs in a horrible marriage, trying to build something for my kids that I never had. In early 2010, I started over- went back to school, then finally got brave enough to turn my part time hobby into a full time career. & those steps have now brought me to this very day–
a 1300sq ft store since June, & already expanding again (4th time in the last year&3rd in the last 7mths) to a 6300sq ft store. Oh yeah- & all 4 of my kids have various special needs & I myself have some pretty serious health problems too. (I go to the doctor next week to finally schedule my in patient heart surgery I’ve been putting off as the symptoms are now getting nearly unbareable at times.) My life up to 14 was about as bad. There has NEVER been a ‘easy’ or ‘calm’ part. (My heart issues are proof of that.)

So…. when I say I built all I have from nothing, I litterally mean NOTHING. MY goal in life is not to be a victim, but to show others that no matter where you start, YOU CAN DO IT TOO!! No excuses. Just do *1* little step each day, know your end goal, & don’t look at the whole picture all at once. Just focus on 1.step.at.a.time and do it.

Wednesday

For some reason my posts say uploaded, but then when  I log in the next time, they say draft. hmmm

Anyway. It’s Wednesday. I still haven’t found any help-everyone is “too busy.” (This makes me mad, because I know for a FACT my life is way busier, yet I’m there when they need me!)  I keep having to stop and rest because of chest pains etc. But I keep reminding myself each step, no matter how small, is better than no step.

I pulled all the sealed bins out of the rafters, on my hands&knees, & moved all the 3rd floor boxes&bins over toward the steps. & I’ve gotten 3-4 down to the porch. I have enough left that could fill a uhaul atleast once, maybe 2 or 3 times. I’m sure at this point they are BREEDING when Im not looking!

I’m just getting frustated that my body is basically turning off in cycles & I cant just make myself keep going like I could before. & I’m upset that I litterally have no one in my life willing to help me. I did leave some messages with my oldest son, and waiting to hear back, but he has a job now where he works around the clock-a lot of times he even sleeps there.

It’s hard to make friends or meet anyone with the life I have. And the amount I do scares most everyone away. (I’m sure they are afraid I’ll ask for help!)

I have a pen pal who is a truck driver-only off the road 4 days/month(& lives 2hrs from us), so I at least know someone else who knows what working all.the.time is like. But the rest of the world seems oblivious.

I have this new, weird symptom while resting– it feels like ice droplets are falling on my hands/arms. Like a rain drop, but as cold as ice. It’s really odd. Right now its mainly my hands, but the 1st time it was my left shoulder while at work & I hadnt been doing any heavy lifting that day.

Well. I am going to make a couple more trips from the 3rd floor, then eat something, & then try to get a few more in. I will just stay up later if I have to keep taking these stupid breaks, to make up for it.

Thank you for stopping by & sharing in my ramblings. 😉

Tuesday, I think…

I got another van load from my 3rd floor over to the mall today & a few things unpacked.

I gave up every last penny for this. It’s a huge step. I mean, I thought investing in this 4,000sq ft historic home was a huge step. But this, this is even bigger.

I am very scared to be taking this on all alone…. or maybe it’s more just sad/angry. I’m confident about it. I don’t know. It’s just a lot & I’m all alone. I watch others open businesses & they have family & friends jumping to offer free help. Yet I am alone. Always.

I’m thankful the mall has some good security gaurds who help keep watch. I’m thankful the mall sees such potential in me. I’m thankful

NEW LEASE!

Today I litterally scraped every last penny I could find for another once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: A mall upgrade from 1300sq ft I got in June (& already outgrew) to a 6300+sq ft space!!

Yes. That’s right. It is THAT huge. I’m not allowed to share the details, but it was too amazing to pass up!  It even has it’s own service court! (back area of my large business where trucks deliver stock)

It is scary & overwhelming. First, I now have to figure out how to survive on 1/8 tank of gas & no food for the rest of the week. The kids are away this week, which makes this alittle easier. Second, I have no help, a heart condition & not supposed to lift things, & a 3rd floor FULL of stock that I have to get from my home to the new store IMMEDIATELY with my minivan. (& did I mention a 1/8tank of gas lol)

If you have read much of my blog, you know these kind of battles haven’t stopped me yet. I got 1 van load over today, and 75sq ft swept & mopped…. hey, it’s a start!

I have this AMAZING plan for the decor! …. I just have no $$$ lol. Baby steps. I still owe $300 on clothing racks-due by Wednesday…yeah… & I need at least 2 dozen more clothing racks + shelving etc, right now. And signage. More permits etc. 

Anyway, again baby steps. Tomorrow I plan to drag bins down the 3 flights of stairs& take at least 1 more minivan load over. I am really nervous about the gas though. I also hope to catch the mall guys & see about getting more racks. (You know, before Wednesday when they expect the $300 for the other ones. lol.) And my heart stuff is a concern. Another month& I should get my surgery & close that chapter I hope. I’m very frustrated that I can’t do as much….well, shouldn’t anyway. 

But for now it’s off to bed…

FRIDAY Update!

Well, I am at the mall store and we are working hard!

I’ve answered a lot of questions about consigning, and the “mall people” are working of the electric and AC on the BIG, 3,600sq ft space next to me. Right now, we are using it for extra storage and PRAYING I can raise enough $$$ to move into THAT store by August.

Our current store is 1,300sq ft, and if you have read much of my blog, you know I am a “go big or go home” kinda person. 😉

I offer clothing in ALL SIZES from Preemie through adult 6X for boys, girls, men, women, & maternity. And lots of other stuff like shoes, toys, furniture- for babies/toddlers/kids. The bigger stuff takes up A LOT of room, and I currently can only fit 1 T rack worth of clothing per size in order to fit all sizes in this space.

I want extra space for not only more racks of regular clothing, but also racks for themes like “rain wear”, “snow wear”, “swim wear”, etc. I also only have 1 double rod rack for cloth diapers now, and would like to see that quadrupled. I also want nice, big, wide shelves for large baby toys that I’d rather not have dissected by shoppers’ older children while they are browsing. With that in mind, I want a “kid corral” type of place where children are free to roam freely within its walls, so parents can breathe a little easier while they shop. 😉

Like usual, I have BIG GOALS. 😉

The down side is that I need $2200 by August 1st to make it work….

Progress!

***This should have posted 2 weeks ago-not sure what happened, but posting now.***

Well, we survived our 1st month with the new store. Did ok considering all circumstances. 

My van broke down last week-heading from a Dr appt to the grocery store. So, the money I had raised toward the mall deposit had to go to that. But, the mall is extending our event lease for July, so we are starting all over again to raise the money & thankful for the extension.

I’m hoping to get some consignment items in for July as well.

I added my weekend hours & I am working atleast 42hours without any breaks. I am trying to now leave Mondays for things like grocery shopping, business shopping, yardwork, laundry, etc. & Tuesday for spending off-the-grid time with my kids.

Personal Update

I’m working myself way too hard; I can feel it- somewhere over 80hrs/week for sure (im at the mall store over 40hrs just on weekends) of mostly manual labor without breaks. It is hard to keep track past that. I didn’t take Tuesday off this week and I’m paying for it. I’m getting very little sleep-up to 6hrs if I’m lucky.
And this week I also spent a lot of house cleaning to do on top of it.

I’m also stressing because my kids are about to leave for a week. All these years, and I still have no idea how I survive these periods. It’s always major stress the week before- dreading them leaving, packing their things, trying to remember HOW I survived it in the past, & listening to kids tell me they don’t want to go & they want to stay home breaks my heart.

My heart stuff is worse. My monitor is going off several times per day & there is a tightness in my chest & neck that keeps gradually getting worse. It’s affecting me turning my head.  But I just have to keep going.

Today I need to make BIGGER signs for my Lindenwald store, saying we are at the mall-people have said they didnt see our smaller signs- & pack up some of the stuff from there to take to the mall. I’ll probably take all the rest of the maternity, all the bigger boys clothes, the mens clothes, all my cloth diapers, & at least most of the shoes. I don’t have boxes, & my mall store is already super packed, & I only slept 5 1/2hrs so this will be interesting….

I have to pack the boys’ suitcases still, I have a giant home AC/heat pump in the back of my van that I have to figure out how to get out&upstairs, and I have to be back at home by 3pm for my kids to be picked up, so this will be quite a task.

The pain in my chest is somewhat bareable but hurts. & I’m definitely stiff& my joints are hurting pretty bad. Everyone preaches about how I should be in bed, yet no one is willing or “able” to help me without $$$ (a neighbor did weed whip our back yard jungle, thanks!) which means I have to just keep going by myself while trying to detangle 3 hyper & emotional boys underfoot. And ironically, while they are gone, it will be much harder to function. Being a mom for over 1/2 my life, I can’t focus as well & lose my drive when they are gone.

I’m on meds that are supposed to raise my “dangerously low” iron & vitanin levels, but I feel worse, not better(that Dr was supposed to be looking in to admitting me for transfusions for that & severe dehydration over a month ago & call me back, but I guess forgot about me). & I of course need inpatient heart surgery so the delay on that probably explains a lot.  I’ve gained at least 10lbs in the past month too-I guess from stress.

But, ok. I’m done pouting now. I gotta suck it up & get moving- its already 7:20am!

Welcome July

I spent 13 hours straight the other day reorganizing the entire store, and there is still A LOT to do. But here are today’s pictures:

Now I just need to figure out how to get MORE people to realize I AM HERE! 😉

The #s

Well van repairs total $1455.05- $443 due by tomorrow to get it back survivable.

I need  another $1500 by this next week to keep the mall store up and running.

& if one more person asks me “who helps you?” I am going to lose it. People just don’t get what NO HELP is…sigh…

I have people who “can’t wait to see how (I) solve this on my own like (I) always do.”  … or tell me what I SHOULD do: “you should post on Craigs List that you are a single mom & need someone to donate you a car.”
……um…. SERIOUSLY??! because I don’t get enough hate mail already for simply advertising my business- no thank you.
Or how I should walk all over town (w/3 kids in tow& a serious heart condition) asking for help etc…

It is all frustrating + frustrating.  Sigh…
What I have learned from this is how much I NEED this new store & for it to be successful as soon as possible. And I NEED to get our 1st floor done ASAP so I can rent out rooms… then put back more money & by another car!!

I just don’t have a plan on how exactly I will do it all yet… hmmm…

100% screwed.

On our way home from thr dr & to the grocery store, my van locked up&my caution lights died in the middle of traffic in a rain storm.

Long story short-van dead. mechanic cant even look at it til late tomorrow.
i have NO money at all even if its fixable.
no way to work, grocery-anywhere.
no work=no potential $$.
no help.
Im 100% SCREWED!!

Happy 34th bday to me…

I do not understand why the hardwr I try in life, the worse things get!

WHY

Why do so many people have nothing better to than ATTACK those trying???!!!

I hear reasons like “well they had a bad childhood”..etc… but this makes NO SENSE. I didnt turn out that way!

My blog only shows a small glimpse of my “childhood” as the rest of it is unthinkably worse, it is  not suitable to post.

Yet here I am. Working myself to death to NOT end up like the steriotypes.

It is really hard to have no real life support. Online posts are nice, but it still comes down to the fact I have no one to turn to in our biggest times of need, those times are also when I recieve the most amount of hate mail!!

Strangers assume I MUST be on some kind of welfare & MUST be commiting some kind of fraud.
I’M NOT. WHY would I risk everything for a lie??!!
They take time to stop and email me the most hateful things you can think of.
For the record, I AM educated.
And not all special needs are obvious from birth, thus I did not know my children would end up with special needs until later.
Doctors assured us none of it was hereditary and the chances of it ever happening again were no higher than any other healthy parent.
I was obedient to my then husband, each time he wanted each child. (Be warned, quiverful parents!) They were planned.
I NEVER expected to wake up on my son’s birthday and have our world shattered & end up alone like I am today.

I say I have ‘no family’ because my ‘family’ threw me away and never wanted me. I got tired of having to explain myself to people when they ask “why doesnt your family help you???” “What did YOU do that makes them not want to help you???”

I was **9** when my sister, who was forced to raise me til then, left for college. It was her right-she was 18. & she should have NEVER been forced to raise me. From then on, I was left to raise myself–years of said “family” calling me names & constantly putting me down. All I ever wanted was someone, anyone, to love me. To see some kind of good in me.
It landed me in some bad circumstances. Each time, I tried even HARDER to not be all those things my own ‘family’ said I was. Each day, I worked harder at being a perfectionist including doing everything possible that people wanted from me. (To this day, I have a SPOTLESS record-not even a speeding ticket.)

Nothing has ever been enough. And I have learned no matter how much I do for others, rarely will anyone be there in return.

So, I have worked long and hard to build “the american dream” by myself, for my children. To give my kids what I never had. I have worked so hard, that now I am strapped to a heart monitor& need heart surgery.
I wonder to myself if maybe after 34 years of heart break after heart break, my heart is finally giving up. If maybe I did finally work myself too hard. My chest hurts so bad & this stupid machine keeps setting off some kind of alarms.
But, what am I doing? Cleaning. During the constant snow storm of children. As any mom knows, you clean one area, move to the next, & your previous spot instantly is a mess again.
3 boys, 5 cats, 2 dogs, & a rabbit-all housed on the 2nd floor- in competition with me trying to keep everything clean& organized alone. All 11 needing food, bathes, & clean up daily.  Whatever you do, DONT ask me when I have free time. (I even write these posts 1-handed while working on all of the above + 2 businesses worth of work.)

So, I just don’t get it. I work so hard to be self sufficient. I go out of my way for others. I am NOT some ‘scammer’ looking for free $$. WHY do so many have nothing better to do than ATTACK those trying in life, & yet freely give away $$ etc to the REAL scammers??!!

Some day, I will make it far enough to BE the help those like me need but don’t have…

Anyway, I gotta put myself & 3 kids together & head to yet another Dr appt, etc.
Off I go!

ANOTHER LIFE CHANGING EVENT

Well. I am at yet another another crossroad.  I have 2 stores open(+ website) and need to make a decision by the end of JUNE which one to keep. I need to pick which location to go with so I can put all my energy toward it. 

There are pros and cons to each. 

Lindenwald:

+ Staffed as Consignment…. but only open 10a-6p Fri, Sat, Sun… 

 – Only about 200sq ft— which means not enough room for all my stock etc. Not enough room to move my sewing stuff in to utilize time better. When I am there, all I can do is sit and wait for customers. 

 – When I am not there, customers pay cashier & I am charged an additional consignment fee.

 – When I am not there, theft is a major issue.

+Total Rent is cheaper & I am not required to be there to sell.

– Price/sq ft is more expensive

+I can pack up and leave anytime as rent is month to month.

-I am in the Biggest spot, no room to grow.

+customers come in to the flea market loaction and happen across me.

-customers want to haggle prices and some expect to pay less than yard sale prices because I am inside a flea market.

If I leave, someone else will grab my spot and I will never get that large, front or store area back.

Overall: Not Enough room. But not stuck in a lease if things fail.

MALL:

– Run 100% my just ME– which means I am chasing children around while doing 100% by myself…& I cant leave. There is no back up and if I were to leave and customers came, people would be upset to find me closed.

+ I am only open weekends. I choose my hours. I COULD open during the week once on a full contract lease.

+ access to retail racks, retail hangers, etc.

– 5X the total monthly rent and I will be LOCKED in a 1yr contract- even if things fail. That is a BIG RISK.

+room for sewing equipment

+stuff in mall for kids to do and everyone is really friendly & seem to like us.

If I leave, someone else will grab my spot and I will never get a chance to EVER be in a mall again with my kind of business.

+ customers find me while just wandering the mall.

-mall traffic is low because mall was declared “dead”– currently newly rebuilding– so “accidental” traffic will be low/more advertising exps on my end.

-some mall walkers are making rude comments toward me because I am “selling used stuff in a mall.”

+I am the ONLY resale/consignment store you will EVER find in a mall due to usual regulations etc– the city & mall has made an exception for ME. This is truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

+ cheaper per sq ft… More room. Option to up-size to a larger store front

+ Options/Space to hold BIG EVENTS to draw MORE customers

Overall: Best option, BUT terrified of possible failure… If I choose this and fail, I will have lost my other shop… but if I give this up I will NEVER have another opportunity ever again.

Being the only income and the sole provider in our home, it is really scary to take such a leap… 

 

 

 

 

Missing What You Never Had

Have you ever missed something you never had before? It is an odd feeling.

I’m not sure if it’s a mid-life crisis thing, or the stress, or the fact that I am without any sort of help 90% of the time. Maybe it is all of it.

I catch myself wishing I had someone here to help. The option on days like today, to just the kids home instead of spending over an hour fighting to get them up and dressed before I end up late for work. I open at 10am & we won’t be home til probably 10pm, but I have to get up by 6am to start trying to drag these guys out of bed. I wonder what is like to be able to trust your signifcant other won’t hurt your kids if you do leave them home…

I catch myself wishing I had someone who was just emotionally THERE for me and wonder what it is like. To just fall into the arms of someone who genuinely cares about you & that you can be there for too.

I even catch myself missing having children with that someone. I wonder what it’s like to plan a baby with someone who loves & protects you. (Though my 3younger boys were planned-it was the times things got their worst) Who would never even think to tear you apart with words & affairs, etc. To not be under unbareable stress and fear during your pregnancy, but instead be loved & cared for. To banish thoughts that haunt me that even after 7 babies, I never once got to experience it, & it looks like I never will.

It’s all a frustrating feeling. Something that the more you to try just ignore it, the worse it hurts….

YAY THOMAS& ANDREW!

Report cards came in & Andrew made honor roll & tested into gifted Ed! AND graduated out of speech therapy!!

AND Thomas’s report card after finishing his 1st year in the special class: HONOR ROLL TOO!! This is so huge!!

He still will continue on his OHIEP & struggles when they try to blend him with larger groups. Speech will continue…
Occupational Therapist says Thomas may be able to stop OT by Fall! He has been working on the skills needed to learn to ride a bike in OT for a year-ish. And he has finally basically got it!! We are now to the point where we can practice at home! & Handwriting is still a struggle BUT legible, which is all expected I guess… (or 90% of Drs would be in OT, right? 😉  )

Well, just wanted to stop in & share their successes. 🙂

2days “off”

Took 2 days “off” to work on stuff around the house.  Some quick pops of color in my room, a dash of curb appeal, & some outer house repairs…