Missing What You Never Had

Have you ever missed something you never had before? It is an odd feeling.

I’m not sure if it’s a mid-life crisis thing, or the stress, or the fact that I am without any sort of help 90% of the time. Maybe it is all of it.

I catch myself wishing I had someone here to help. The option on days like today, to just the kids home instead of spending over an hour fighting to get them up and dressed before I end up late for work. I open at 10am & we won’t be home til probably 10pm, but I have to get up by 6am to start trying to drag these guys out of bed. I wonder what is like to be able to trust your signifcant other won’t hurt your kids if you do leave them home…

I catch myself wishing I had someone who was just emotionally THERE for me and wonder what it is like. To just fall into the arms of someone who genuinely cares about you & that you can be there for too.

I even catch myself missing having children with that someone. I wonder what it’s like to plan a baby with someone who loves & protects you. (Though my 3younger boys were planned-it was the times things got their worst) Who would never even think to tear you apart with words & affairs, etc. To not be under unbareable stress and fear during your pregnancy, but instead be loved & cared for. To banish thoughts that haunt me that even after 7 babies, I never once got to experience it, & it looks like I never will.

It’s all a frustrating feeling. Something that the more you to try just ignore it, the worse it hurts….

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