The #s

Well van repairs total $1455.05- $443 due by tomorrow to get it back survivable.

I need  another $1500 by this next week to keep the mall store up and running.

& if one more person asks me “who helps you?” I am going to lose it. People just don’t get what NO HELP is…sigh…

I have people who “can’t wait to see how (I) solve this on my own like (I) always do.”  … or tell me what I SHOULD do: “you should post on Craigs List that you are a single mom & need someone to donate you a car.”
……um…. SERIOUSLY??! because I don’t get enough hate mail already for simply advertising my business- no thank you.
Or how I should walk all over town (w/3 kids in tow& a serious heart condition) asking for help etc…

It is all frustrating + frustrating.  Sigh…
What I have learned from this is how much I NEED this new store & for it to be successful as soon as possible. And I NEED to get our 1st floor done ASAP so I can rent out rooms… then put back more money & by another car!!

I just don’t have a plan on how exactly I will do it all yet… hmmm…

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100% screwed.

On our way home from thr dr & to the grocery store, my van locked up&my caution lights died in the middle of traffic in a rain storm.

Long story short-van dead. mechanic cant even look at it til late tomorrow.
i have NO money at all even if its fixable.
no way to work, grocery-anywhere.
no work=no potential $$.
no help.
Im 100% SCREWED!!

Happy 34th bday to me…

I do not understand why the hardwr I try in life, the worse things get!

WHY

Why do so many people have nothing better to than ATTACK those trying???!!!

I hear reasons like “well they had a bad childhood”..etc… but this makes NO SENSE. I didnt turn out that way!

My blog only shows a small glimpse of my “childhood” as the rest of it is unthinkably worse, it is  not suitable to post.

Yet here I am. Working myself to death to NOT end up like the steriotypes.

It is really hard to have no real life support. Online posts are nice, but it still comes down to the fact I have no one to turn to in our biggest times of need, those times are also when I recieve the most amount of hate mail!!

Strangers assume I MUST be on some kind of welfare & MUST be commiting some kind of fraud.
I’M NOT. WHY would I risk everything for a lie??!!
They take time to stop and email me the most hateful things you can think of.
For the record, I AM educated.
And not all special needs are obvious from birth, thus I did not know my children would end up with special needs until later.
Doctors assured us none of it was hereditary and the chances of it ever happening again were no higher than any other healthy parent.
I was obedient to my then husband, each time he wanted each child. (Be warned, quiverful parents!) They were planned.
I NEVER expected to wake up on my son’s birthday and have our world shattered & end up alone like I am today.

I say I have ‘no family’ because my ‘family’ threw me away and never wanted me. I got tired of having to explain myself to people when they ask “why doesnt your family help you???” “What did YOU do that makes them not want to help you???”

I was **9** when my sister, who was forced to raise me til then, left for college. It was her right-she was 18. & she should have NEVER been forced to raise me. From then on, I was left to raise myself–years of said “family” calling me names & constantly putting me down. All I ever wanted was someone, anyone, to love me. To see some kind of good in me.
It landed me in some bad circumstances. Each time, I tried even HARDER to not be all those things my own ‘family’ said I was. Each day, I worked harder at being a perfectionist including doing everything possible that people wanted from me. (To this day, I have a SPOTLESS record-not even a speeding ticket.)

Nothing has ever been enough. And I have learned no matter how much I do for others, rarely will anyone be there in return.

So, I have worked long and hard to build “the american dream” by myself, for my children. To give my kids what I never had. I have worked so hard, that now I am strapped to a heart monitor& need heart surgery.
I wonder to myself if maybe after 34 years of heart break after heart break, my heart is finally giving up. If maybe I did finally work myself too hard. My chest hurts so bad & this stupid machine keeps setting off some kind of alarms.
But, what am I doing? Cleaning. During the constant snow storm of children. As any mom knows, you clean one area, move to the next, & your previous spot instantly is a mess again.
3 boys, 5 cats, 2 dogs, & a rabbit-all housed on the 2nd floor- in competition with me trying to keep everything clean& organized alone. All 11 needing food, bathes, & clean up daily.  Whatever you do, DONT ask me when I have free time. (I even write these posts 1-handed while working on all of the above + 2 businesses worth of work.)

So, I just don’t get it. I work so hard to be self sufficient. I go out of my way for others. I am NOT some ‘scammer’ looking for free $$. WHY do so many have nothing better to do than ATTACK those trying in life, & yet freely give away $$ etc to the REAL scammers??!!

Some day, I will make it far enough to BE the help those like me need but don’t have…

Anyway, I gotta put myself & 3 kids together & head to yet another Dr appt, etc.
Off I go!

ANOTHER LIFE CHANGING EVENT

Well. I am at yet another another crossroad.  I have 2 stores open(+ website) and need to make a decision by the end of JUNE which one to keep. I need to pick which location to go with so I can put all my energy toward it. 

There are pros and cons to each. 

Lindenwald:

+ Staffed as Consignment…. but only open 10a-6p Fri, Sat, Sun… 

 – Only about 200sq ft— which means not enough room for all my stock etc. Not enough room to move my sewing stuff in to utilize time better. When I am there, all I can do is sit and wait for customers. 

 – When I am not there, customers pay cashier & I am charged an additional consignment fee.

 – When I am not there, theft is a major issue.

+Total Rent is cheaper & I am not required to be there to sell.

– Price/sq ft is more expensive

+I can pack up and leave anytime as rent is month to month.

-I am in the Biggest spot, no room to grow.

+customers come in to the flea market loaction and happen across me.

-customers want to haggle prices and some expect to pay less than yard sale prices because I am inside a flea market.

If I leave, someone else will grab my spot and I will never get that large, front or store area back.

Overall: Not Enough room. But not stuck in a lease if things fail.

MALL:

– Run 100% my just ME– which means I am chasing children around while doing 100% by myself…& I cant leave. There is no back up and if I were to leave and customers came, people would be upset to find me closed.

+ I am only open weekends. I choose my hours. I COULD open during the week once on a full contract lease.

+ access to retail racks, retail hangers, etc.

– 5X the total monthly rent and I will be LOCKED in a 1yr contract- even if things fail. That is a BIG RISK.

+room for sewing equipment

+stuff in mall for kids to do and everyone is really friendly & seem to like us.

If I leave, someone else will grab my spot and I will never get a chance to EVER be in a mall again with my kind of business.

+ customers find me while just wandering the mall.

-mall traffic is low because mall was declared “dead”– currently newly rebuilding– so “accidental” traffic will be low/more advertising exps on my end.

-some mall walkers are making rude comments toward me because I am “selling used stuff in a mall.”

+I am the ONLY resale/consignment store you will EVER find in a mall due to usual regulations etc– the city & mall has made an exception for ME. This is truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

+ cheaper per sq ft… More room. Option to up-size to a larger store front

+ Options/Space to hold BIG EVENTS to draw MORE customers

Overall: Best option, BUT terrified of possible failure… If I choose this and fail, I will have lost my other shop… but if I give this up I will NEVER have another opportunity ever again.

Being the only income and the sole provider in our home, it is really scary to take such a leap… 

 

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Missing What You Never Had

Have you ever missed something you never had before? It is an odd feeling.

I’m not sure if it’s a mid-life crisis thing, or the stress, or the fact that I am without any sort of help 90% of the time. Maybe it is all of it.

I catch myself wishing I had someone here to help. The option on days like today, to just the kids home instead of spending over an hour fighting to get them up and dressed before I end up late for work. I open at 10am & we won’t be home til probably 10pm, but I have to get up by 6am to start trying to drag these guys out of bed. I wonder what is like to be able to trust your signifcant other won’t hurt your kids if you do leave them home…

I catch myself wishing I had someone who was just emotionally THERE for me and wonder what it is like. To just fall into the arms of someone who genuinely cares about you & that you can be there for too.

I even catch myself missing having children with that someone. I wonder what it’s like to plan a baby with someone who loves & protects you. (Though my 3younger boys were planned-it was the times things got their worst) Who would never even think to tear you apart with words & affairs, etc. To not be under unbareable stress and fear during your pregnancy, but instead be loved & cared for. To banish thoughts that haunt me that even after 7 babies, I never once got to experience it, & it looks like I never will.

It’s all a frustrating feeling. Something that the more you to try just ignore it, the worse it hurts….

YAY THOMAS& ANDREW!

Report cards came in & Andrew made honor roll & tested into gifted Ed! AND graduated out of speech therapy!!

AND Thomas’s report card after finishing his 1st year in the special class: HONOR ROLL TOO!! This is so huge!!

He still will continue on his OHIEP & struggles when they try to blend him with larger groups. Speech will continue…
Occupational Therapist says Thomas may be able to stop OT by Fall! He has been working on the skills needed to learn to ride a bike in OT for a year-ish. And he has finally basically got it!! We are now to the point where we can practice at home! & Handwriting is still a struggle BUT legible, which is all expected I guess… (or 90% of Drs would be in OT, right? 😉  )

Well, just wanted to stop in & share their successes. 🙂