Can’t Sleep.

Ugh. There is so much going on.

I mean, that’s my life, but a different “so much.”  We still have our Dr & therapy appts, & I still have my regular business stuff including custom orders & some exciting wholesale requests from retailers in other cities, but then I have the boys’ extra stuff- surgeries, additional testing, etc.

& I have met someone…. he is a single father of all girls, a business owner, and quite possibly the most intriguing person I have ever met. He has a servant heart like I do– but I’m not as experienced with ACCEPTING help as I am with giving it.  For example, he has taken off work & he (& his family) have spent the past 2 days HERE, working on my house.

[[To those just joining our venture- I bought a 4,000+sq ft historic home off the foreclosure list last April to house my family & my business. We are talking A LOT of work.]]

Anyway- I have felt SEVERAL emotions during this time, & as well as those to be expected over the past 40 something days since we started talking… FEAR being a big issue for me- all the negative ‘what ifs’ that keep me grounded.

Recently, I’ve also been urged toward another GIANT leap of faith- like buying a giant old house that had sat vacant for several years wasn’t big enough.

A store front.

Right now, God has placed HELP in my path… but I’m struggling with ‘what ifs’ like:
“Is it the right choice OR just coincidence????”
“How the #$//^@ can I afford it???”
“Am I ready to jump (what feels like) blindly into something this big???”  (Accepting help is UNKNOWN/painful/terrifying territory!!)
“How will I run a store front & still handle the boys’ appt schedules & my ‘always on call w/ school’ situation???  …& what about summer???”

[[I can not use childcare for various reasons. & can’t afford it anyway.]]

“What if my current supports bottom out once I’ve dove into this???”

“There is a long 33yr old list of people who have tossed me aside & said I will never amount to anything- just waiting for me to screw up- ready to lean over me, pointing, laughing, & rubbing in how ‘right’ they were if it doesn’t all work out magically… Can I survive what would happen if I FAIL???”

“Am I ready to SUCCEED??”

Ok ok. I’m sure you get the point. So here I sit, 5hrs past my bedtime, nervous about my children’s health, daydreaming about the possibility of our own version of the Brady bunch yet terrified of the potential of another nightmare, & contemplating my next HUGE steps in every area in my life…

THIS is my life…. welcome.

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