All odds have been against me my whole life. I’m a perfectionist & live too much for successes, looking for real praise& acceptance I never got growing up, & when things fail/don’t come, or don’t happen fast enough, it cuts too deep, as I seem feel more deeply than most people. I’m trapped under this glass ceiling, running out of oxygen. I just want to SUCCEED at SOMETHING.
My own biological family has never praised anything I’ve succeeded at, but instead, point out every single flaw- or what they THINK is a flaw, like I’m an idiot or something, no matter how small. 33 yrs and counting. And let me just say, THIS is how predators get their prey. The ONLY family member to actually even bother to come SEE my new home was my mother, for Michael’s graduation party, yet NOTHING positive has been said from ANY of my biological family member, BUT they sure have said A LOT of negative things. My own sister got on my Facebook page and announced that, maybe I don’t understand, but I don’t actually OWN my home. I DO OWN MY HOME! Yes. I have a mortgage. So do 98% of “home owners” in America. The difference is, **MY** mortgage will be paid off in 1/4 the time as most and my house will be worth at least 75% MORE than I paid for it by then. And again- this happens so often, I could be here all day with examples & rants, so anyway…
I can see the end goal & I believe it’ll happen. I just can’t break through to it yet. But pot holes along the way were not expected. Well, obviously, I did expect potholes. Just not extra ones that have been as painful as a divorce/death. I expected hard work but not this much heart break. I did not know certain dreams would be ripped to shreds, by little fault of mine. Things I did my VERY best for and gave my life for. But, I can SEE the end- but its like a mirage or the end of a rainbow- its just out of reach, no matter my pace. I’ve become so focused, I have forgotten how to ‘enjoy the journey’ & now I’m REALLY burnt out.
**But** past experience predicts that something BIG will happen very soon. I get severely depressed RIGHT before a victory- if I hadn’t pushed through the last one, I wouldn’t have found this house. & other examples from my past… its sooo hard to focus on those +s sometimes. Especially when soooo many -s are right here and now. I take things VERY personally. Something as small as my Facebook shop likes dropping a bit, leaves me wondering what on earth I did wrong THIS time. And I’m being attacked by strangers who are ruining my PERFECT, 100% POSITIVE feedback I have worked so hard to keep, by getting on my shop Facebook page and leaving FALSE LIES and poor star ratings on me! These people have NEVER shopped at ANY of my locations, have NEVER even talked to or emailed me, EVER. If I messed up and it was true, fine. But these are just flat out mean people who don’t even know me personally. (BUT customers DON’T know that!!)
I’m just stuck. A lot like being stuck in the mud. You may have LOTS of people around you, shouting out “you can do it!” or “God will help you!” etc, but you are still STUCK. You still have to figure how to get out and shake it all off by yourself, while nearly as many others are there, shoveling more mud on top of you the entire time.
To top if off, the more I learn about High Functioning Autism, and having 3/4 kids with it (not my youngest), and after always KNOWING I was DIFFERENT than everyone else my entire life, the more I am thinking about having myself tested. I’ve always been “sooo intelligent” too, but able to function as easy as other seem to. And I definitely have the sensory issues. I have the social issues (although I’m told I mask them well now.) I wouldn’t leave my house and wouldn’t deal with people at all if I could get away with it. Not that it would really make any difference one way or another… except make me fully responsible for “giving it” to my kids…
So. if any of that makes any sense at all, that is about 1/2 of what is all going through my head at this very moment. I better get moving again before I sink any further!