Pages from the Past….

When I was married (been divorced 4yrs),  I kept journals. I never told anyone at the time & honestly forget all about it until I come across one.  It was never anything official- basically any notebook on hand, so there are several floating around in whatever box I hid them in at the time.

Today, while looking for an empty notebook, I found one from 2003- 6 years before the divorce.  I couldn’t get past the 1st page. Wow. We were living in pure hell. At the time I fully believed his actions toward me and the boys were all my fault. The page I came across today– I was so terrified that particular morning, that I had litterally peed myself. There are actual quotes from both sides written right there. Very sad & scary.

It’s all right there in my own handwriting- all the stuff I have buried as far away as possible and tried to forget.   I saw a counselor while married, who I told about the things that occurred- she told me there was nothing she could do about it, they only report child abuse. She not once even hinted I should leave or that it was not my fault AND that if I reported anything to her regarding my kids, I could lose my kids for neglect.

Hind sight is 20/20 of course. A divorce and  then 1 1/2yrs of a new counselor (who was flabbergasted at the previous counselor notes) I learned it wasn’t me. And it shouldn’t have been ignored& handled the way it was by those I had reached out to.  Logically, I accepted that. Emotionally is much more difficult. 

I’m glad I kept these journals. It’s my proof that it’s not me, I’m NOT crazy, it really did happen. The proof is right here in front of me, all dated, in my own handwriting.  I was so torn down, 99.9% believing all I was fed about myself over the 13yr period, yet there was some tiny speck of me that knew it was wrong.

I was too torn down at the time of divorce to fully stand up for myself & my children.  I had no one to turn to as I was seperated from my family & friends during the marriage. I had been a stay at home mother, so I had absolutely no income.  The judge approved rules that still harbor our lives today.  I didn’t realize at the time that it wasn’t normal.  One of those rules keeps me from being away from my children for more than 4 hours at ANY given time–including for work– only exclusions are when they are in school(5-6hrs/day minus all their Dr & therapy appts) and his visits(about 10% of mth). If I do, he can take the kids. Yes. That means if I hold a full time job outside of the home, around the hours left after appts, he could flip the custody and take the kids. Over my dead body will I ever allow them placed back in any potential situation we already had to survive. 

I also cannot move out of our current city without prior written permission from him& court- & the only way that would ever be approved would be to leave my children behind which again, NEVER gonna happen.

So, these journals remind me of how bad it really, truly was. Yet it has also fueled my success to this point. When someone tells me that I cannot succeed, I do it anyway.  Oh, I can’t leave my kids to work a regular job? Fine. I’ll start my own online business so I don’t have to! I’ll never do better on my own? Well, I think I’m proving that and will continue to as well.

So as hard as it is read, I’m thankful I wrote them…


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