AAAAAAAAAA! OK!

Ok. I was married for over a decade. It was pure HELL.  Torture. I was cut off from my family,  friends, life.  I failed to protect my children. Nothing will ever remove that guilt. Terrible things happened to us. & I had gotten so sick that I was on deaths door.  Doctors didn’t even know if I would live. I knew what happened to me( well not everything at the time). It was horrible. & I accepted the blame put on me for what happened to my kids. It was “all my fault.”  ” If I would have just….. then my son wouldn’t have been hurt.”
& when I sought help, the system failed me.

3 1/2 yrs out,  I have regained my health( actually occurred pretty quickly in the first 6 months.)  I can generally hold it together. I keep myself busy and focused on helping my kids get better. That is until a Dr asks for details about previous abuse…. or when I go for tests, and I’m reminded that theres still permanent damage done to my body- that there’s nothing I can do about it. Damage to my kids- how did I fail so badly to protect them?!  I tried so hard to do everything I was supposed to do as a Christian housewife and mother.  That list of demands continued to grow
But I followed every rule. Messing up meant my kids suffered.  I was walked on, was never a priority, but convinced if I just tried harder things would go better and after all it was all my fault for some reason or another.

3 1/2yrs ago, while  coming out of a very abusive situation, with no support at all, I was pushed into signing paperwork that meant NO Spousal support even though I was eligible, 1/3 The child support that I should have received, And order that says that I am NOT allowed to leave my children for more than 4 hours at any given time for any reason. ( Other than for his visits and school). I was told if I didn’t I would never see my children again. There is no way I was taking that gamble. My children are my entire life…

How did the judge even sign that??!! Well how did the judge not realize that this was an act of control?! That, & The case was marked “confidential”. That means I cannot apply for things like welfare or social security disability- Even if I wanted to.

So, I cannot leave my kids long enough to hold a job Outside of the home & Cannot sign up for assistance. And if I break the 4 hour rule?? He can flip the custody and take the kids.

I am also responsible for 99% Of their appointments because they fall under my watch. ( I have the kids 90%) And guess what? Doctors are only open during the day/school hours& they’re only in school 5 to 6 hours per day anyway & during the school year only obviously. ( That means I can’t “work while the kids are in school”)
10-14hrs of appointments every week plus driving time. 

So. What to do?? I turned my hobby into my career. Yes. I realize I “make less than minimum wage per hour” and on paper it makes more sense to give up. But what other options do I have? Yeah…. No thank you. I choose to keep my kids.

I realize this means I still don’t have time for myself. Or any “off time” really… but if this is what it takes to protect my children then This is what I choose.

And all the while, I bend over backwards to help everyone else. No one should ever have to feel the pain that I endored.

( The very few feel that I’m worth the same.)

3 1/2yrs later. I still have no one I can really turn to or trust…. or that I would even want to burden anyone with all this.
I still freak out on the inside when I have to be around people/out of the home. Although I’m told it’s not as obvious as I feel it is.

& yes, as much as I don’t want to be, I am “single by choice.” Because I never want to take a chance again of anyone ever hurting my kids.  ( And what SANE person would want to take on the chaos that is my life?!)

I hold together and I do what I have to do. I could handle it better if I didn’t have doctors asking to probe into my past.  I would dodge the questions if it weren’t for the fact they’re asking me in order to help my children overcome it.
Years of therapy have helped me realize the logic of why things occurred…. and that an hour a week is just not enough to fix anything. Over a year ago, I graduated out of counseling, And was deemed healthy.

I’ve never had the down time or help To give up and crawl into a ball of depression. So in that aspect, having no help has been a blessing.

& I’m free. & for right now, my kids are doing better. (Although  my oldest has cut off all ties with him.)  I struggle with teaching my boys that it’s not okay to hurt me. It has been a long road, but there’s progress being made.

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One thought on “AAAAAAAAAA! OK!

  1. Wow you are more amazing than I thought. You give me inspiration everytime I read your blog. So sorry you went through all this but what an amazing woman you are.

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