I took Thomas back to the Doctor today, after doing all I could to keep him out over the weekend.  She said she is “on the fence”… leaning more toward him being admitted.

He is off ALL medications except his mood stabilizer and stayed home with me today.  He is able to- for right now- stay out of the hospital unless he has another incident.  The school will allow him back tomorrow- BUT they are very nervous- now that he’s off most meds… at the sign of any distress, he will be sent to the office, to call me and cool down.  If that is not enough, he will be sent home.  ALL under the acknowledgment that if he acts out in a violent way he will be removed for the rest of the school year…

Just as if MY child was being hurt by someone at his school, I’m on the other side, scared and looking for protection.  It is difficult to think MY child, my *9* year old child, threw a kid against a brick wall, scraped him across it, then strangled him until he turned red- while actually saying “I’m going to kill you.”  I still don’t even understand WHY he did this.  But, there rarely is a “trigger”…  it’s very hard to not accept the guilt and blame. WHY can’t I HELP HIM??!! I should be able to HELP him, I am his mother…

So. He was home with me today. The fact that he is OFF medications AND detoxing off said meds, it has been a roller coaster ride– his mood changes every 10 minutes.  He was fine, then BOOM aggressive, then BOOM in a fetal position, wrapped up in his blanky, begging me to help him, and telling me how “sick” he feels.  There is nothing that can be done until he is fully detoxed.  After that, we start all over from scratch, trying new medications, that will hopefully work better.

 It’s pretty unbearable- the only thing worse would be knowing he feels like THIS, while sitting alone in a hospital room, over an hour’s drive away- where I would only be able to see him during “visiting hours” and his brothers are NOT allowed at all…and honestly, I have no idea how I’d even afford gas back and forth, more or less what I’d do with the other boys. Oh man. It’s too much to think about. Just praying he can stay home.  I can deal with having to literally watch him at all times, endure bites, scratches, bruises, damages- none are as bad as the though of him suffering alone and not being allowed to see him…

Also- if he goes the the hospital now, he will miss the entire rest of the school year… AND he will be at a NEW school next year– meaning gone with out even a chance to say his final goodbyes.

He goes back to the Doctor on Friday to be reevaluated again.  Then, he has occupational therapy after that.


#1:    the ELECTRIC IS 99% finished!!! ALL rooms having working light fixtures& outlets!  The 3rd floor has NO outlets at all- they will be need to added. AND I still need a “220” outlet for out dryer…. (and of course another $800+ I still owe him for it all.)

#2:    I got our utility bills down to about *1/2* the average month!! Average bill: $255… This month’s bill: $119.05!!!(Granted we are dripping with sweat this week-averaging 80-85 in here, going with out lights as much as possible, etc etc- but hey, look at that savings!! & just in time to have *2* utility bills starting in a month, until we are fully moved.)

#3:   & Someone dropped off **24** empty milk jugs today– apparently a local food bank sadly had to dump a bunch of milk that showed up expired– but a volunteer there had remembered me talking about how I’m taking milk jug of water at a time over to the new house, because we have no plumbing yet, and so instead of just throwing it all out, jug and all, they poured all the milk out, rinsed them, filled a big bag full, and brought them over to me.  I have about 3 dozen jugs now, which means one full van load vs dumping and bringing back a few nearly each time we are over there…

(Did you know it takes approx *3 1/2* Gallons of water JUST to flush a toilet??!! & about a gal at a time for cleaning, so far an average of about 3 more gals each time I go over and clean.)  I still need $3,600 somehow for the plumbing.

Ok… I hear Thomas SCREAMING at Andrew, as they are headed in from being with their dad a couple hours after school today- doesn’t sound pretty- time to go get them in and ready for bed…


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