written 5/7/13, tuesday, 10am—
I get asked:
“wow, you are such a strong person, how do you do it? Do you ever have times where you just break down??”
This is an interesting question. It is not the lack of funds or the long hours I put in, or even that I am totally alone and dealing with raising 4 kids with special needs, running a business, restoring a house with out help, volunteering every week…. nope. none of that is my reason to “break down”…
It is the times like this morning, when I have a 9 yr old screaming and clawing me, throwing books and toys at my head, refusing to go to school… …shouting at me that EVERYTHING is all MY fault. MY FAULT, somehow. I’m the one at fault that he didn’t get his permission slip for the field trip home(3+weeks). It’s MY fault that he didn’t turn in his homework last friday (even though I wrote out his entire reading long for him and signed it, and put it in his bag– it is MY fault he left it in his bag at school…
…when I have 2 other children just standing there, who want and deserve my attention too… who are tardy for school AGAIN, even though they were up, dressed, and ready EARLY and with little help…
…when I finally get him out of the house, quickly lock and shut the door so I can focus on just getting him in the van– only to realize that I left my keys INSIDE the house.
… when I finally get him to school- while he is kicking and flailing around, running around the inside of the van, then I get him out and he starts running around the outside of the van, refusing to go into school- a full 1/2 hr late at this point… his brothers- who did more than their part to be ready on time are a full 1/2 hour late…
…when I finally catch him, and have to literally carry a 70+lb 3rd grader into the office, while he’s kicking, clawing, etc… inch by inch, because he is getting too heavy for me to carry.
…everyone just stops and stares while, completely out of breath by the time we make it all the way into the office, Thomas screaming like hes being murdered- and they ask “what is his teachers name?” & I cant remember & cant breathe enough to speak. (HOW CAN I NOT REMEMBER?! COME ON! THINK!)
When Mrs. Woods, Thomas’s teacher, comes around the corner, and all I can muster is “Im sorry… he’s been like this all morning…”
It is times like this morning, dealing with all of this alone, that makes me want to break down. How can I “truly” be a “success” in any aspect of my life when I can barely handle my own child?!
THEN I have many in my life who say things like:
… “maybe God has called you to be single- you KNOW what the bible says about remarriage anyway…” ( always, always, ALWAYS A MARRIED PERSON who says this!) AND I am NOT the one who ran off on my family- I’m the one who did all I was called to do and more and stayed. But according to this type- I’m now doomed to a life of alone-ness because it’s God will?! That is NOT the God I serve…
OR … “you need to just focus 100% on your kids until they are all 18, before you worry about anything else…if you put 100% of your focus on JUST your kids, then maybe they wouldn’t have their special needs…” Um- gee- are you gonna FUND that?! (willing to bet these are the SAME people complaining about those on welfare. Which is it peoples?!) And I know 100% they are the ones who do the very least for me, but expect me to drop everything to help them.
So, to conclude, when I get asked “do you EVER have times where you break down?” Well, THESE are the times I get CLOSE. I shed a tear or 2. BUT there are 4 boys who need me- even if they don’t realize it- who need a safe roof over their head, food and clothing, Drs, medicines, therapies and someone there who never leaves them. Something I’ve never had and it is a trait I refuse to pass on. No, these 4 boys are going to grow up into fine, responsible gentlemen if it’s the last thing I do. And that requires me to work. And work harder, for less money, than the general population since I can not leave them for “4 or more hours at any given time.” But we are surviving. I am beating ALL odds. Finding every loop-hole. (Like the brick N Mortar shop that will be IN our home.) And continue to tell myself that someday things will be easier. All the hard work will pay off.
So, meanwhile, I have no choice but to suck it up and do what I need to do. I have about an hour to get cleaned up, find a suit that covers today’s bruises, gather my paperwork and make it to a Chamber meeting….