Back to work…?

Today, it’s back to work, and all the craziness with it.

WARNING- massive vent today…..

 I dropped Michael off at his “work”, and 1/2 way back home, got a call to come pick him up- he got fired.  Same story every time we try the “work” thing… He starts off well, then he is “unable to focus…” & ” his work got crappier and crappier…”  …. “he KNEW he was to do steps A…B…C… but he skipped step B and did D instead…”

It is the SAME thing I deal with here with basic self care and the most basic chores.

It is heart breaking. I want to just melt.  Completely heart-breaking.  and the same “well. hes nearly 18, I expected more…” from those who gave him the chance… it just eats me.

I feel like such a failure every single time.  I know it is not “me” but it sure feels like it.  No one cares he has special needs. He “looks normal.” Over all, he ACTS normal.  And then, he tells everyone(church people, friends, etc) that I’m a lier and all his failures are all my fault. AND PEOPLE BELIEVE HIM.

 No one cares about our situation at all. They don’t care  **I** am the one FINDING him work, driving him the hour away from home, the one making sure he is there ON TIME, out of my own pocket, trying for the 7th+ time- hoping *this* time will be different- that he will make it more than a few days and *this* time show he can be independent and self-sufficient. Not even Michael himself.   

He turns 18 in July, THEN WHAT?!  How is he supposed to survive?  He can’t hold a job.  He can’t even clean up after himself.  Michael still to this day refuses to listen to Drs, and other professionals when they try to explain to him he has “issues.”   He has been hospitalized because of his “issues.”  He just tells everyone he is 100% fine and “normal” and says it all is because of ME.  

And then- this “job” I found him (after he went around and told EVERYONE he doesn’t work because *I* won’t let him.) Couldn’t this guy have AT LEAST CALLED and let us know BEFORE I drove all the way out there?! The last thing he told Michael was to be there “TODAY at 9am”- so **I** made sure to have him out there by 8:45am.  Michael seemed excited about this opportunity.  He truly seemed to be putting effort into it, etc.  Sure, I had to remind him the usual stuff- to CALL the guy and ask what day/time he was supposed to work, etc(as he’d leave and the thought never occurred to him to ASK.). & ME making sure he wore appropriate clothing for the work he would be doing, etc.  But he seemed to be excited and really trying.

BUT WHY TELL HIM TO COME IF HE WAS GOING TO FIRE HIM ANYWAY?! AND after I talked to the guy in the VERY beginning and asked him to CALL ME if he had any issues with Michael.

I called the guy after I picked Michael up, because, like usual, Michael put 100% of the blame on ME.  Michael got in the car and said the guy fired him because *I* told him to ask when the guy would be paying him- would it be daily, weekly, etc?  The guy never told Michael WHEN or HOW he’d be paying. (but bragged to him about how they bought their house with CASH and how they both have doctorate degrees etc)  Michael said it was 100% my fault for making him ask about it. 

***(Nothing is EVER Michael’s fault.  90% is *my* fault and 10% is who ever else is involved. My ex was the same, exact way. I don’t know if this comes from his special needs or is learned….)

So, I am left here, negative 4+ hours of work, lost a 1/2 tank of gas, and yet another “failure” blamed on me. (& that’s just from today.)  What more could I have done???   It is very difficult to not except this kind of blame, after all, I’m his mother… it has to be my fault…. isn’t that what the world teaches us? 

This kid thinks if he moves out in July, some magical veil will just fall off, and he will finally prove he is completely “typical” functioning. That he can move across the country, completely care for himself, go to private college full-time AND hold a full-time job to pay for it all…(during college AND make enough after college to pay for all the loans he’ll need to PAY for college)…. that everything will be cured as soon as he steps outside of my “control.”  And as soon as a an y professional or other wise argues this theory, he flat out refuses to listen to them ever again.

 I want to see him succeed not fail.  I put everything I have into my kids.  Their failures sure FEEL like MY failures- no matter what the truth is logically.

 That little inner voice that says – I gave birth to these kids. How can ALL 4 have special needs?! It HAS to be my fault.  And there HAS to be something I can do to HELP them become “typical” and succeed in life. And if I can’t do that, how can I do ANYTHING else?! How dare I put time into anything else?! I know it is not fully rational/logical, but I think every parent must have some level of this “little voice” within them…no parent wants their child to “fail” in life…

And it is hard to have 4 kids that LOOK “typical”- outsiders can’t tell they aren’t. And there’s been plenty of people to back up this “little voice”- who have blamed it all on me for decades..

 …More than the dozens of professionals, teachers, etc, that know 1st hand the children’s needs and tell me regularly it is NOT my fault- that there is nothing more I can try or do to help them get better.

And I am dealing with all of this alone.  There is no one there to bounce decisions off of at the end of the day.  No one there to cry to on a day like today. To tell me it will all work out in the end.   There is no one there to “tag in” when I need a break. OR to tell me to take a break.  

(Though plenty of strangers to immediately point out how it’s 100% MY fault I’m a single mother of 4 in my situation, and how “everyone has problems”, as if I think I’m the only one of something…The ultimate sin is to apparently share with ANYONE that your life is stressful.)

  So, I just have to suck it all up, and figure out how to keep moving… luckily God blessed me with a strong desire to NOT fail…


2 thoughts on “Back to work…?

  1. I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. Hopefully venting will help you feel even a little bit better!

    • Thanks. I know it will all work its way out, but it helps to let some of it out and not hold it all in. And some day I will look back at the rough patches, laugh, and be thankful for all we have overcome… today will definitely be one of those days… 😉

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