Too Much

There is just too much to do around here by myself.   It wears me out. But there’s little choice.  I’m trying to hunt down help, but it’s going no where.  & money is so tight I still don’t even know how I’ll pay for it- I just know I have to.  So far, no leads.  As soon as they hear I can’t afford to pay them some sort HIGH amount, they are gone.

My head is throbbing.  The 3 younger boys’ come home at 6pm, and there is- of course- entirely too much to get done before then, and no breathing room during this week at all.  I’m tired of being all alone in this.

I can’t find the floor in my office, as it’s covered in laundry that needs hung and put away.  I asked Michael for help and he tossed a few hangers toward me that were laying a couple feet away and said “I’m not hanging clothes,” and walked away.

It is one of those days where I just want to throw my hands up and quit.  & what makes it worse is I AM TRYING TO FIND HELP but CANT.  3…*3* weeks in a row now I’ve had people who committed to helping Wednesdays, CANCEL.  I have only gotten 2 replies on all my ads looking for help/childcare, and I replied to BOTH and never heard back.  Apparently “4 boys” is terrifying enough but then to add they have special needs to just way too much.  It’s a lot like dating- the only ones “willing” are unreliable and/or plain scary.

(Will I be completely on my own forever? Or as people say “well, wait til the kids are grown & then…”- that is *11* more years!)

I can understand why so many single parents give up and opt for a welfare check.  How is one supposed to work when there’s not even childcare to fit one’s needs?  Shoot, to get daycare assistance, you have to be working a “real” job (aka working for someone else) for a full 60days before you can even apply, & then those “real” hours have to fit a daycare schedule, and if you have kids with special needs that aren’t accepted at said daycare (not to mention custody crap that says you  cant leave the kids for more than 4hrs) well, then you are just flat out of luck.  The cheapest babysitter IF I was able to go work away from home full time: $100/DAY.  What on earth kind of *legal* job would pay enough to cover childcare, let alone our bills?!  It’s why I don’t spend all my time and money fighting the stupid custody rules- I mean, where would it get me anyway?

I’m running my shop full-time while this household is a full-time job already, plus class, homework, volunteering(my only outlet) etc.

On the bright side, Thomas’s Dr DID agree to writing a pre-auth for an in-home aid for Thomas- though she has no idea how.  This means I got to find time this week to play middle-man between Dr and insurance and figure it all out basically myself.  Honestly, I have no clue what the in-home aid can even do for us- it’s not like he needs diapered or IV meds or something- though I do hope they can help in some way.  Basically, I have to do the entire process before I can find out how they could help.

But, meanwhile, I’m trying to dig myself out from under 5 people’s worth of laundry, & then on to the other never-ending list of things that must be done “ASAP”, including the grocery store and taking the boys’ to get valentines for school, filling out the little “to”s and “from”s X 90.

As for the rest of this week: Of course there’s the boutique work(which I’m told I should be putting at least 60hr/wk into), and 4 appointments so far (minimum 10hrs)…….Thomas has a school concert tomorrow and Saturday(6hrs), and I have class Wednesday night in which I NEED to find a sitter.(?hr for hunting) Housework, dinner, homework x4, those 90 Valentines I mentioned, as well as the middle-man thing, prep for Thomas’s birthday, all the pet care, church, volunteer work, etc…..

I guess to sum it all up: its really sucks to be TRYING to reach out and there is no help.  There’s no one there.  Just me. No one to call. No fall back.  No one who understands.  No money to hire help.

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