This past weekend was rough.  My Thomas had a rough weekend.  I have no idea what set him off.  It started with him being SUPER hyper Saturday morning- spinning in circles and staring at lights& not wanting ANY clothing pon at all- but in a happy mood.  Apparently, he spent most of the volunteer time doing basically just that in the childcare room too (although she did manage to keep his pants on thank God lol).  It was the same Saturday morning routine we usually have.  But when it was time to leave, he went into the bathroom and stripped down to his birthday suit “to go to the bathroom”. He was in there for ages, and then I redressed him and we finally headed home.  After that he wasn’t a happy camper. Anger fits started and once he is up and roaring, it is very difficult to calm him down.  None of his normal things worked at all.   His teachers, Drs, etc liken him to a “freight train”.   He is VERY strong, and once he gets moving, it is very difficult to slow him down again.

Sunday, he woke up ok and we made it to church (but not out of the van) before the 1st explosion.  He decided he wanted the hair brush his brother had and went for it, and that started a big brawl in the van- which made it difficult to break up. Luckily Michael was there to help me split them up/separate them.  We made it inside, where I am SOOOO THANKFUL for our church’s special needs set up! People actually TRAINED and experienced with all types of special needs, who step up and help care for children during church services. No child is EVER kicked out of church. Being a large church and having this program, there is always someone to step up and help.  From mild ADHD, to the most severe forms of autism and beyond. ANYTHING that could keep a child from having a positive experience at church- they are there to help with in the most positive & loving way.

I take my children’s special needs very personally, and I’m thankful that I have someone who understands what I am going through on a personal level with their unique needs and reassures me I am not to blame.  Thomas’s “buddy” was our local area’s Help Me Grow “supervisor”–(I cant think of official title- the big boss &retired now) and has worked closely with MRDD for decades- we couldn’t have been blessed with better “buddies”.  She helped me with deep pressure with both boys at once(something REALLY hard when there’s only 1 of me dealing with all this daily) , and speaking to them and helping calm them both and use their words to work it out.  (As well as reassuring me I’m doing a great job and it is not ME causing this.)


Being a single mom is HARD.

Being a single mom of 4 is HARDER.

Being a single mom of 4 with all the restrictions on me is even HARDER….

But also having 4 boys ALL with special needs- well – it just leaves me asking WHY.  It is VERY hard not to personalize it.  Not to mention losing 3 other little boys in late pregnancy.  And for 13 years the blame was all put on me, which I accepted, as I was of course the one who “carried” them all… It has to be me- I must be defective or something right..?  All that blame was pushed off onto my shoulders for years- and was  the reason I agreed to have my tubes tied after my last son was born via emergency C-section. AND that caused me to agree to crazy restrictions for years, and officially during the divorce, 3 years ago.

Just because you are freed from a negative situation, doesn’t make everything you were trained to believe disappear over night.  I am still fighting those “tape recordings” we all have in our head.  2013 is a new fresh start.  I am banishing all those in my life who do nothing but TAKE from me.  EVERY time negative thoughts/ worries pop in my head, I stop and pray. I put it in God’s hands to handle.


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